The first reaction I had when I saw the Time magazine cover was that the folks at Time were poking the bear, or the “mamma bear” in other words. The Mother’s Day edition is how I looked at it. they are trying to get page views and trying to increase magazine sales. The best way to do the above is to be controversial. If you think that breast feeding is not controversial, just take a stand on it. Get off the fence and say breast feeding is bad or that Mom’s should breast feed until the child is in middle school. You will have plenty opposition to whichever side of the fence you choose. I saw comments of “Lactivists” and other terms that made it clear that this is an issue for the ages as it relates to controversy.
Dads would never have this type of coverage because for one, we are not controversial. We don’t get enraged at statements made against us or that might be against what we want to be known for in the world of parenting. The reason I am piping up and making a statement today has to do with a post by Jen Singer at Mommasaid. This is a great look and more specifically, I love the statement that she puts in the post:
We praise fathers for “helping” at home, as though they are part-time assistants, and trash moms for taking “me time.” When dads work, they are providers. When moms work, they are selfish. (Why is there no phrase “working dads”?) When dads endure a temper tantrum at the supermarket, they’re heroes for the effort. When moms do it, they’re bad mothers for not controlling their kids in public.
Jen we are shouting the same message but from a different pulpit. We Dads would love to be seen as a parent and not just as Mom’s assistant. We are not seen as a parent and that irks me. I even amplify that message when I mentioned to someone the other day that was trying to be like one of those “Supermoms”. We are constantly compared to the real parent, Mommy. Moms are trying to be treated more like Dad and we Dads want to be moms, but in the eyes of society neither of us will be granted that equality.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t been personally affected by this, i.e., no one has condescended to me about my role as a parent, but who really cares about this?
My wife and I know that I am a fully committed dad and that if need be I would stay at home with our son instead of her. All that really matters is how YOU feel about it. “Society at large” will always have their own opinions, and stereotypes will always exist – especially ones based on a parenting paradigm that has only recently begun shifting (how many of OUR parents had anywhere near the kind of role equality we have when it comes to raising out kids?).
It takes time for old-fashioned perceptions to change. Take comfort in the fact that you’re changing them, and show the same perspective Jim does – no matter what the people at Time really think, they’ve gotten people talking about, and buying, their magazine. Don’t let them bring you down because of it.
Still it would have been nice if magazines like “Parents” would actually address.. oh I don’t know… both parents! I’m judging by my last picking up the magazine 12+ years ago. Who knows.. maybe they’ve changed…
Hey it COULD happen…
I know exactly Brian the statement you are considering in Parents.
“Parents Magazine, Everything Mom Needs to Be A Great Parent”.
My daughter’s dad is a great father. I work days and he works nights. He is also, not in the best of health. When he gets home in the morning, he always both the baby and I with a kiss, then he drives me to work. He takes care of the baby all day and after he picks me up from work, and I do work between 9 and 10 hrs a day,he has dinner made and also makes my plate. He takes care of our little girl,he is patient with her and teaches her to walk and talk. I wish we were in a better financial situation, he needs a vacation. After I had our daughter, I went into heart failure and almost died. He took care of both me and our child. He deserves a break and to know that he is appreciated and loved.
In my opinion it goes back to the basic differences between men and women. If you take being a mother away from most women, you’re taking away their identity. That’s what most women live to become. The reason why being a good mom means so much to them is because if they don’t have that title, they don’t have anything. A man’s identity is in his accomplishments. The job he has, the house he bought, how much is in his retirement, the funding of private school, etc. The father is a provider. He also structures and disciplines. Fathers give their children identities. They train their sons in the art of taking over the world. They train their daughter to be princesses. The mother strives to be liked by their children. She needs their approval. In most household the mother rarely disciplines the children but tries to please them. The father is focused more on preparing the child for the world being “liked” doesn’t concern him. Mothers complain about how everything is so hard for them. They do this with friends, family and even to the kids. You ever notice that mothers get awesome presents for holidays? But fathers get ugly ties? It’s because mothers have been complaining everyday of the child’s life about what she does for the child. Fathers are silent. They don’t talk about their stresses. They just do what is necessary. If they ever do try to complain, then they’re whining. But if you really want to know the truth to why the father isn’t recognized as much as the mother, then think about it this way. In order to become president, you must get voter support. The parties that decide on what makes a good father a good parent are children, the same children you discipline. Mothers, the competition. And some psychologist or writers somewhere who probably are also women. You will always be under appreciated. You will always go unrecognized by the masses. If the belief system about parenting would ever change, it would leave the world with a population of mothers that feel useless. Your reward doesn’t come today. It comes 20 or 30 yrs from know when your child is at a age of maturity where they’re able to reflect on you and what you’ve done. When they realize the sacrifices you’ve made. We’re not in this job for the pay or appreciation. It’s all about the final product. I know it can be hard on you sometimes. But just understand the reason you are not recognized as much is because you don’t need as much validation as others. It is a battle you’ll never win. But take some clues from Erika Oliver’s comment. What she basically pointed out was that her daughter’s dad shows that he appreciates her. He not only cares for the child but her as well. He understands how to get voter support.
You may also want to read through a blog of someone
who’s been. I have no idea what went on last night because Emma got one of those unpleasant kid stomach bugs and kept us completely occupied until about 9 p.