Determination. Drive. Heart. Commitment. Winning. These are all part of the motivational words we use when we talk about athletes, and we use it to define success and often we use benchmarks to compare each other based on results and the outcomes of competition. I see people like Tiger Woods and look at how he and his Dad had a special relationship about where Tiger as a child wanted to go and what it means to set goals and look at those as watermarks to strive to achieve greatness. His dad pushed, if not outright shoved him into the spotlight, making him mentally tough, making him concentrate on skills and making him shoot for the stars and keep his mind focused on being the best in the world. If there is one guy I would like to play a round of golf with it would be him. Not because I think it would be great to play a round of golf with one of the greats, but because I would love to talk to him about how his father helped him to become the man he is today and all that entails (not all things turned out successful as we all know, but that’s another post completely).
In the height of my own golf career, such that it was, I saw this as a way to compete and a way to stay in a game that mattered less about physical skills and more on the mental aspects of the game. I was not that great but I had my moments. I just knew I could play a game with my kids, and went as far as to name my firstborn after the famous golfer pictured here. I wanted my child to be great at sports be the best at whatever she chose as her path. As it turns out, she will not be the next one to win the cup in golf, but she chose basketball as her sport.
I don’t want you the reader to think this post is only about sports, I think it applies to all aspects of parenting and the path chosen by our kids. We as parents want to help guide our children whatever the hobby or sport or instrument is they choose. My daughter also plays the violin, loves to write and can sing pretty well too, however, her passion is on the court playing basketball. I’m a short, white guy who can’t jump, so you know the basketball gene was not mine but she is good at it. l give full credit to Mommy who can play circles around me. My sons have yet to really choose “their thing” unless of course you think video games as the next sport or skilled professional, but I am sure they would be great if it was.
I am now helping my daughter be successful in her chosen world. We have her playing in a competitive league that travels and is almost professional in its own right. It is a financial commitment and a time commitment. We hear of the sacrifices made by parents of Olympic athletes that took their daughter to the ice rink at 5:00 a.m. to get ice time for their skating practice. This is not too far from that same commitment and sacrifice. As a Dad, I am helping her with the foundation that she needs to be in a position to succeed. The words that started this piece are words we live by in our family. Heck our family motto is “Work Hard – Play Hard.”
My question to parents out there is this, “How much is too much?” I am always afraid of being too zealous in my pushing and trying to get the most of her abilities, and finding that line to keep pushing her to the maximum point she can handle and being there to guide her to the next level. Most humans will at some point want to quit, or to take the easy road. I tried to quit a number of times growing up when playing sports, but my parents made me keep my promise to myself and my teammates. I am so glad they kept me focused on that and focused on how to be the best I could. It allowed me to play at the varsity level in high school and even play at the college level. They didn’t push near as much as they could have but my parents knew then the value of their guidance. How much should I keep my foot on the gas? I don’t want to push too far, but it is a fine line I seek. You are probably pushing too but don’t realize to the extent you might be doing it. You want your child to succeed at walking so we coach and teach and keep trying day in and out to get that first step. Did you push too hard for that first step? Don’t even get me started on potty training. My daughter walked at nine months, her brother right after her I thought would be crawling down the aisle to accept his diploma at high school.
We Dads can be a competitive lot and we have egos and chest bumps to match. Does this equate to being a drill sergeant on the court and in the classroom, on the stage and other places our kids must compete? “My dad can beat up your dad” is when our competitiveness begins. We want to one up our competition in each phase. Does that translate to how we want our kids to be? Am I driving my child to the couch in a therapy session? Are you pushing your kids? If so, how much?
Photo via BBC
My kids are young (5yo & 2yo), however I challenge them daily. Whether it is telling my 2yo to use his words to ask for something, or having my 5yo (w/ autism) tell the store clerk “thank you.” As parents I feel it is important to foster such an environment as it better prepares our children for what life has in store. The extent to which you apply the pressure, or “push our kids” will probably vary from kid to kid. I was always the type of athlete that spent too much time on sport. My parents often had to refocus me on chores or academics. Other friends of mine needed a swift kick in the butt just to finish a basketball practice. I guess the degree to which we push our kids depends on the kid’s personality as well.
However, I am a firm believer in tough love, as some of my most valuable life lessons were from failure. It’s our job as parents to never lose site of the purpose in comptetion/ sports/ challenges and always bring it back to a moral or learning experience. We need to talk our kids through adversity, and use it as an empowering tool. When we do this, the extent to which we “push” will never be in question. Good luck!
Awesome Bill. You put that very well. I always find it so ironic that we have schools that teach egalitarian practices where nobody wins or loses. That is not real life. I lose far more often than win in life or perhaps we can categorize that as failure but it it the life lesson we gain. Your kids seem to be getting a push from Dad that is just right. Thanks for the input.
I just watched John Wooden, and he had a good takeaway I am trying to incorporate in answer to your comment quoted below.
He said he advises kids/athletes (taking from his own father): “Don’t try to be better than the other person. Just do the best you can.”
I think encouraging my kid to do the best she can and not worry about the others is the direction I’m gonna try to go.
But this is important for sure.
“My question to parents out there is this, “How much is too much?” I am always afraid of being too zealous in my pushing and trying to get the most of her abilities, and finding that line to keep pushing her to the maximum point she can handle and being there to guide her to the next level.”
Thanks for that Tim. I think we all need to be doing the best we can and teach that sometimes your best is awesome and sometimes it may fall short but if you are always trying your best you will never fail.
Nice post. Jim.
As a dad of two athletic kids, who simply cannot get enough competition, I believe that the kids who are going to succeed in sports, or any endeavor, push themselves. They might need a nudge from time to time, but they ultimately push themselves.
Success in sports takes skills, practice, confidence and passion. Parents can pay for expensive private lessons to increase skills, but that does not guarantee that their kid will be skillful. The parents can drive their kids to practice, but they cannot give them the drive to practice. Parents can help boost a kid’s confidence, but each kid needs to feel it inside. And then there’s passion, the X-factor. Passion can be influenced (I want to be like dad or mom), but it is not fully transferable. The passion to practice, to learn, to pick oneself off the ground, to stand in the batter’s box against a tough lefty, to aggressively come out of the soccer goal and risk injury to shut down an aggressive striker, to jump and catch a football across the middle of the field can be encouraged, but the passion to do those things needs to come from within. Kids either have a passion for a certain pursuit or not.
A parent’s job is to help their kids find the one or two things that they are passionate about and fuel that passion. Even if the parent does not share that passion. And of course, a kid can have all the passion in the world and still not succeed in this highly competitive world. In that case, a parent needs to be there to pick them up and perhaps help them chart a new direction.
This is a great comment. I think I struggle with my son because he is not athletic. He has a passion for music and I struggle to find a way to help him there. I need a parent to pick me up and help me chart that direction.
Found this book by Dr. Jim Taylor, “Positive Pushing:” http://drjimtaylor.com/books/positive_pushing.php
Think I’ll be reading the book. Don’t want to play the semantics game, but I like the word “guide” over “push.” I guided my kids into certain activities that I thought they would benefit from early in their life. Once they experienced the activity, then I observed if they liked or excelled in the activity. I had one rule, once we start something, we’re going to finish it.
In terms of athletics, I started my 16 year old daughter out in youth soccer and dance. She took to both and had a love for dance. Would also take her out to the tennis courts and worked with her individually on basketball when she was real young. She played recreational soccer (AYSO – coached by me) throughout her adolescent years and tried a variety of sports on her own during her middle school years at school. She played volleyball, track, basketball, softball, and soccer at her school without any input from me. Why? She valued her relationships with her peers and thought it was a good way to bond with her fellow classmates.
My daughter is a good, big athlete; but I never pushed her hard about excelling in athletics. Figured that would come in time if it was meant to me.
What’s she doing now? She developed a love for volleyball and played varsity this year. She also played club volleyball for a few months last year after she finished her first year of playing high school JV basketball.
As a freshman she played JV soccer in the winter. During her sophomore year, she decided to give basketball a try. Since I considered this her first real basketball experience, I went all out. Found an exceptional college coach who had a weekly program for girls. Sent her to her camp. I worked with her occasionally on an individual basis. She had a very good year playing basketball in terms of performance, but never really connected with the sport, her teammates, or the coach. By the end of her JV season, she had more presence and natural ability than any of the big girls playing on varsity. The athletic director and varsity coach actively recruited her to play varsity basketball this year. She went for two practices and decided it was not for her. Besides dreading the sport, she looked forward to spending her free time at an academically demanding school participating in a school musical.
My athletic daughter chose a play over my beloved basketball (LOl!). Nothing much I could say about it because I believe that once a kid gets to high school they should have a passion for any activity they’re going to engage in.
All extracurricular activities are demanding in terms of time commitment, but nothing is more demanding than playing a varsity sport at a school. Your kid better want to do the activity if they’re going to commit their time.
Only advice I have to parents is to guide, expose or push early in their lives. Listen & look with an open mind and help them find their way/path. Once they reach a certain age (middle to high school), it’s on them. If you think they could excel in an activity that they’re not excited about, encourage them to give it a try and ask them questions to help them with their decision making.
I’ve done things slightly different with my 11 year old son, but that’s a story for another day.
Clarence,
I can hardly wait for the story about the 11 year old boy. I am just going through this now as my daughter is the oldest.
Her thoughts from early on is that she wanted to play basketball at UConn and then play for the WNBA. I never really pushed her to basketball, I never played the sport except to be with my friends that did. She is a natural at it and at 5′-7″ in 7th grade at age 12 she may be tall enough later to handle the physical nature of it.
I am going to check out the book as it seems like something right up my alley. I would love to hear more about what happens later as you have given me a carrot here. I would love to see where she goes on to college and what direction she chose. I will be filling everyone in on my daughter because we Dads love talking about our kids!
Thanks again!
Jim,
Here’s the roster for the UCONN’s women’s team. http://www.uconnhuskies.com/sports/w-baskbl/mtt/conn-w-baskbl-mtt.html
Check the heights of the forwards & centers on the team.
I’m betting that because of your daughters height, they put her in the hole, at the 4/5 spot. Most girls grow early, so 5’7″ is not abnormally tall for a 12 year old. My daughter is about 5’9″.
Make sure she develops her guard skills & is comfortable on top of the floor and the wing.If she doesn’t play on the perimeter for her school teams, make sure you find a situation or club team where she gets that type of experience.
Here’s a feature on Elena Delle Donne that you might find interesting.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/sports/ncaabasketball/19athlete.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVH2_Nwpsag
Clarence you guessed it, not that I am surprised, but she played mostly a 5. This year since we moved her to a taller team, they are moving her to a 1/2 since she is the best dribbler on the team. She is playing for the school on the wing and is point for the club team. I knew from the beginning with Dad at 5′-7″ and Mom at 5′-9″ she would not be a big. She has been the tallest in her class, and is a year younger than her peers as we started her early. Right now we are working on her outside shot and dribbling in her sleep. These are some great articles and video for her to see. I’m just proud of my little girl and that she is showing a great motor.
Excerpts I found from a review on Amazon by
Warren Witherell on “Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child” by Dr. Jim Taylor.
“A funny thing happens when you raise the bar. People find a way to get over it, once they realize it is expected. Human beings can do amazing things — if they’re asked to.’ ‘Positive pushing emphasizes creating options for children from which they can choose a direction, and stressing that doing nothing is not an option.’ ‘You need to strike a balance between giving your child the first push toward achievement in terms of direction, opportunities and resources, and then stepping back and enabling her to to find her own personal connection with the activity. Your involvement must shift from direction and guidance to encouragement and freedom.’ This is good stuff. Dr. Taylor draws on many years of experience working with athletes and parents from little league moms to olympic team members — and also dancers, artists and musicians. The author does a good job of integrating basic principles with real-life examples. I think this book should be read by children age 13 or older as well as by their parents. I have encouraged Headmaster friends to make POSITIVE PUSHING required summer reading for all of their teachers and coaches, and to strongly urge all of their parents to read it as well. In short, this is MUST READING for anyone who is interested in raising successful and happy children.”
http://amzn.to/rqQige
Just finished reading all the info on the site you provided Clarence. Perhaps you could do your own review!?
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