Open Letter To Men: How To Have Sex

Photo Credit: caseydavid

On cutting off her husband’s penis: “He always has an orgasm and he doesn’t wait for me. He’s selfish. I don’t think it’s fair, so I pulled back the sheets then, and I did it.” Lorena Bobbitt

If I could write a letter to men (not all men, mind you) on behalf of many women, it would go something like this.

Dear Men,

Sex needs to have a beginning, middle and end. In chick-language, sex is a journey—not a goal-oriented destination. In guy language, sex always seems to focus on the middle part: the almighty orgasm. As such, men, your sex routine becomes pretty dull, pretty quick. You do your best to give her an orgasm, then you have an orgasm and voila, you’re sleeping.

Do not misinterpret. Women love the middle part just as much as you; however, there is so much more to sex than having an orgasm. Gasp, yes it is true.

Here are five basic rules for enhancing the not-middle part of sex.

Rule #1 Women do not have an on-off sex switch

Women cannot switch our brains off from the thousand-and-one things we multi-task during the day and magically switch on to sex. It takes us at least twice as long to get outside of our brains and into our bodies.
Please do not expect a little snuggling and pawing at night to make us run to the bedroom in anticipation. Please see Rule #3 for further suggestions.

Rule #2 Get out of your sex routine

I am sure you have heard more times than you care to count how women need foreplay and plenty of it. And you may be thinking that you do your best to please her. In fact, to your knowledge, she always has a good time.
However, while pleasing her, do you use the same routine over and over again? Do you only ever focus on the three body parts that you know work? If yes, remember that too much of any good thing becomes stale after a while. Erogenous zones are a-plenty on the female body. Use them.

Rule #3 Create a new routine

If you are stuck for what to do, let me offer a few works-like-a-charm suggestions. Remember to make a minute before sex in order to create a moment during sex.

  • Talking. Yes the dreaded talking before sex. Talking helps a woman disconnect from what is going on and be able to reconnect with you. Just because she is talking about her day, the kids, or doing laundry does not mean she is disinterested in having sex. This is her unwinding time.
  • Kissing. Kissing is immensely sexy and there is simply not enough of it. Do not even get me started on how 5 to 10 minutes of kissing will have many women like putty in your hands.
  • Touching. Every woman is different in how she likes to be touched. The best way to understand how your partner prefers to be touched is simply to try new things. If you are not sure how to start, give her a massage. Touching should help both of you relax. And no, it is not always you that has to do all the work. Touching is definitely a two-way street.
  • I suggest, when trying this out for the first time, that you avoid the three standard body parts. The sex will be hot and erotic.
  • Playfulness. Destination (a.k.a. orgasm-driven) sex always seems so intense and a bit somber. Relaxing, laughing and having fun will make your sex that much better. Being playful will most certainly help alleviate any nervousness around bringing new ideas or things into the bedroom.

Rule #4 Do something different every time

How? There are at least 101 positions for intercourse. Okay, you need to wrap yourself like a pretzel for some, so maybe only 75 positions. Plus, did you know that a woman likes to be touched softer or harder depending where she is in her menstrual cycle? Just these two suggestions alone can help you find a hundred ways to do something different with the same piece of equipment.

Rule #5 When you are finished, make sure the woman is finished as well

Women can have multiple orgasms and, after getting her engine revved, she may want to keep going. Make sure to take her over the finish line.

As well, women need to have that stay-connected-feeling that comes from cuddling. Men, please do not disconnect by rolling over, going to use the bathroom, or whatever you do after the sex is done. Stay for awhile, even if it is two minutes.

Cuddling after sex not your thing? Think of it as penance for not having to sleep in the wet spot.

You may be asking yourself if all of this effort is worth it. I would say yes, yes, oh, yes. Good sex for her means more of it for you. It’s a win-win proposition.

Go get ’em tiger.

Dr. Trina E. Read, D.H.S.

About the Dr.:

Media expert, best selling author, sex coach, international speaker, spokeswoman, newspaper and magazine columnist, Sexologist, Dr. Trina Read’s mission is to show couples how to have fun and meaningful sex. Dr. Trina devotes her writing time to her numerous websites, many women’s magazines, and syndicated mommy sex blog. Her books include, Till Sex Do Us Part: Make Your Married Sex Irresistible; as well as, Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex: Volumes I, II & III. Her websites include: and You may can also follow her on Twitter @DrTrinaRead.

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