You know what bugs me? Going out with the family and seeing a young (and sometimes older) couple where the Mom’s pushing the stroller with one arm and carrying a child with the other while the Dad strolls behind. There are examples like this all over the place. What am I talking about? The lack of affection and support many guys show for their children when out in public with their families. I say, “out in public” of course because I don’t follow these people home. However, I think there’s something to be said though for the fact that they are out in public.
I think there can be a social stigma around a guy showing affection and loving care for their children. Is this real though or just perception? I would argue it’s mostly perception on the part of the immature guy. We can almost immediately rule out women of prescribing negative attributes to a man “caring” for a child. Most women find a guy who shows affection and support for the care of his children something nice to see. That leaves the rest of the guys out there. But really, have you seen or heard any guy give another guy slack for kissing on his children? Has any guy really gotten slack for pushing a stroller with his baby in it? I can’t even imagine this is the case and if it is I would argue it’s few and far between. So how do we explain the common sites I described in the opening paragraph?
I think it’s a self-prescribed false perception. That is, these guys have it in their head that it’s not “cool” to push the stroller or feed and burp the baby, etc. etc. I’m of course ruling out those guys with a bad back, sprained foot, and/or who are just plain lazy. Could it be more though? Could it be that we don’t have many males that we look to who model this caring behavior? When watching TV whether it is a movie, television show, or sports game you rarely ever see any male figures “care” for their young ones and show affection.
So why is it that the rest of us have no problem taking care of our children and kissing them until they fight us off? I think most of you reading this are probably in this camp. What separates us from those other guys? We watch the same television and may even have the same role models. I guess maturity plays a huge role here. I also think independent thinking is a big factor. We may have had fathers who showed us the “right” way to be with our children. On the other hand we may have had fathers whose behavior we’re trying to avoid replicating. In either case we’re choosing. We’re choosing to ignore what the mainstream would like for us to believe is “right”. There are those that let others decide for them and then there are the rest of us. We’ve made the decision that we’re going to decide how to father. We’ve made the decision that pushing that stroller and kissing our children in public is not only acceptable it’s expected!
When we start deciding that we choose to be Real Dad’s instead of allowing others to form that mold is when change occurs.
What factors do you think played a role in your becoming a “Real Dad”?
Hey Josh,
I am the father I am because I’m avoiding being my father. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad, but he wasn’t the most loving and nurturing parent. I think he has seen what he did wrong because he’s a different person today. In some ways I think he’s trying to make up for not being there for me when I was a kid. I’m also the husband I am for the same reason. I have learned from my father’s mistakes and I’m always learning from my own. Take care Josh.
Wow Kevin! Thanks so much for sharing such a personal thing with us. I can relate to you very well. Although, my father loves me and wasn’t a “bad” father per se. He did have trouble being emotionally close to me and still does to this day. Like you, I have takent the good things my dad taught me and threw out all the bad. In many ways I’m very opposite from my father. You know what? That’s okay!
I always insisted on pushing the stroller. It’s like being allowed to drive….Inside the mall.
When they get a bit older, the love you making car sounds and “driving crazy”.
Isn’t that the best? Both O and Jake love when I make those “driving” sounds when pushing them in the cart or stroller! How fun is that!?
Josh,
I love this post..I think you are COMPLETELY correct.
Thanks Laura! Thanks so much for reading it and taking the time to comment!
Not only do I push the stroller, I have been known to wear the baby wrap/sling to carry Max.
Tough guys can admit and show love. Weaklings are scared of love. 🙂
You said it brother!! Well said!
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When my wife and I go out she pushes the stroller most of the time. I certainly want to do that but she is big on it. So I take my daughter on our own walks. I certainly take my daughter on our own father daughter “dates”. We walk hand in hand or I pick her up and snuggle her and cover her with kisses and till she is giggling like crazy. I certainly am a man who shows affection with my family but I don’t think that whether or not I’m the one pushing the stroller defines the manhood or being a good dad. In your scenario, sure the dad is intellectual but when it is a family of three walking along you might have the situation where one parent enjoys pushing the stroller while the other wants to push it as well. But another thing that a Real Dad does is keep the Mom happy. 🙂
Hi Ben,
Thanks for your response! I can see you and your daughter laughing as you describe all the kisses! That’s great! lol Good point in that it might be hard to make a broad stereotype or generalization of a family based on who’s pushing the stroller. I was just using one small example that we often see where a Dad may being playing less of a role. Obviously, there’s plenty of Dad’s who might be “Real Dad’s” and just not “pushing the stroller” the moment I see them. However, the stereotype holds weight because unfortunately unlike Dad’s like yourself there are still plenty who don’t understand what being a Dad means. You obviously know what one is because you are one. If I stripped away everything you said expect for the last line? That alone would make you a real dad! A happy Mom is a Happy Dad! Cheers!
No such stigman ’round here (Scandinavia) that I have observed – and I’ve been out with the stroller a lot. And I’m thinking – if some men are reluctant to be seen with a stroller, what will they do when alone with their kids? How are you going to take the kids to daycare, to the playground, or get groceries?
Not to mention that you’d be missing that break in the day when you get an espresso and read the paper at café while your kid sleeps in the stroller.
Robbing yourself of all those moments is just silly – and you don’t get another chance; they grow up so fast.
Hi Lars,
Great response! Very true how fast they grow up and taking the time for the little things is very important. I suppose when I was writing this post it had an American slant on it given that I live in U.S. However, I also do know that there are many other progressive countries out there that show much more support for both the Mom and the Dad. Thanks for sharing a little bit of your perspective with us! It’s important to remember the internet touches all parts of the world and not just the small communities we may live in.
My husband likes to push the stroller. Our daughter likes to ride fast and likes the car noises he’ll sometimes make.
However, most of the trips we take the little umbrella stroller. In order to walk behind it and push, he has to cut his stride in half, and then spends more time trying not to trip over his feet or the stroller than he does paying attention to our daughter or their surroundings. When this is the case, he’d rather I “drive” the stroller.
When it comes to carrying, especially to comfort our daughter, the general arrangement we have involves her coming to me. This is not necessarily my husband’s first choice, but she stays home all day long with me, so she knows that comfort. The younger they are, the more they require routine.
I’m not trying to say that there aren’t lazy dads out there. There are a lot of them. Just that it’s very hard to know details just by observing.
Hi Erin,
I completely agree, you can’t always tell just by looking. The example was used moreso to open up the conversation on a larger basis. Great points about your arrangements as well. My daughter is closer to me right now but our 13 month old son is a Mamma’s Boy all the way! He just can’t keep his hands off of her. Thanks for your response!
I didn’t really think about it. I entered a marriage as a partner and when our son came along, taking care of him was another shared duty. I love to be involved, and though it was a wagon that I usually pulled him around in and not a stroller, I found that the reception was all good.
Speaking of wagons…we were at Target this weekend and wanted to go look at one. Jake decided that he had enough shopping (typical male) so we had to bail. Although, I want to go back to get that.
Sometimes I pushed and sometimes I didn’t. Strollers aren’t always made with dads in mind. We had a few where I felt like I had to hunch over to push.
It got a bit tiring, I never cared what people thought. Never crossed my mind.
Hey Jack,
I’m not sure how long ago that was for you but strollers now have adjustable handlebars. They’re great because if one spouse is taller than the other you can quickly adjust it to your height.
I definitely take plenty of turns pushing the stroller, but I much prefer holding the toddlers hand and wandering through the world following her lead trying to see the world through her eyes.
One of the best “walks” I ever took was a month ago with the toddler. We wandered our local mall going door-to-door, sticking our heads in, listening to the muzak and trying to decide if we wanted to dance for a few minutes or not.
We made all kinds of new friends that day and it was a real eyeopener to observe through her eyes.
Guys,
Pushing strollers, bathing kids, loving and playing with them–all that is HOT! It makes you a good dad and a sexy partner!!!
#bizemom
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