Tshaka brought to our attention a story about James Jones. A Dad that was pushed too far. As I read through the story, and the coverage, and began to see some of the commentary that is going around in the comments of the posts, the tweets that were sent out and other reactions, I had a thought of “A Time To Kill” starring Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey and Matthew McConaughey.
Those of you that have watched the movie know that it is a movie based on a Grisham novel of the same name that has a number of subplots with many emotional triggers such as racism, gender bias, misogyny and other hot button items. I also believe that it has another very hot button item with the thought that Daddy is the protector of the children. Yes, we all know that you don’t get between Mama bear and her cubs, but apparently, you don’t want so much to deal with Daddy bear either. We tend to go straight to the nuclear option when pushed too far. I think this may be the case here with James Jones. He has obviously had some time to reflect on this and other parents of involved children are beginning to weigh in on the incident.
There is a groundswell of support that is beginning and a Facebook page has been set up on his behalf and he is getting growing support. Many of the Dads here in the comments on Twitter have all had a chance to Monday morning quarterback what was done and have weighed in on the subject. The bottom line appears to be that we have a problem, or in this case a continued problem with bullies in the schoolyard. This is not a new idea by any means. We have see this played out in school yards in the media on television and on the big screen for many generations.
I intend to show the video to my kids and talk about some of the issues that are raised in the clip. Some questions I will ask are:
- “What would you do if you saw another student get bullied?”
- “What would you do if you are being bullied?”
- “Do you know what it means to bully another student?”
- “Does it really matter that the child in this case had CP?”
I tend to end the conversations with my foundational theme which is the Golden Rule.
This obviously an emotional issue. We tend to be hypersensitive when these things arise and part of it scares me with the idea that this could lead to some mob mentality and more polarization of the issue at hand. We see also the handcuffs put on our own administrators and teacher fearing reprisals brought on by lawsuits and innuendo and accusations of mistreating the perpetrators. I see in the video a mother protecting her son, perhaps not understanding why a Father would yell at her boy for her actions. We don’t get the story that she too may have been scolding her son for being caught up in an act of bullying, or as it seems to indicate, not. That in itself is being implied in this instance. Where are we as parents holding our own children accountable. If I was a parent of a child involved in the incident, you can be assured i would get to the bottom of it and make sure my child made it right by apologizing and more.
I’ll leave you with the scene of the denouement of the movie I discussed. Getting past the issues of race, which this movie portrays throughout as the message, and getting to the heart of being a father, which is the basis for McConaughey’s character’s argument, I think we see some of what I feel as I watched the video and as I see the the comments and reactions to a Daddy pushed too far.
Do I condone taking matters into your own hands? I can’t say I wouldn’t have done exactly as the man on the bus if I felt there were no other options to protect my child. My initial thought is to also be the example to my children and in that instance I must show them that violence does not always rule the day but that you must sometimes stop turn around and protect yourself or others. To the parents of those that are involved. Show your children the responsibility of admitting their mistakes and perhaps show them that we all make them and to make them accountable.
Very nice blog post and right on point in my opinion.
There is one point I want to bring up though; in the questions you plan on asking your kids, one of them was: “Does it really matter that the child in this case had CP?”
How would you answer this question? Just curious, because this question actually has more than one answer which would make both true and valid points. That is a complicated question.
Thanks for this comment here. I appreciate the follow up question as well.
Asking my children about the child that has special needs is an issue with me as I grew up with my sister their Aunt that was inflicted at birth with Spina Bfida and Cerebral Palsy. They have been subjected to something that most kids have not had an opportunity to grow up with otherwise. I grew up treating my sister as I treated everyone else. She was able to know what it was like to be equal in the eyes of her family. I don’t think that the treatment of an individual should be different but I know that I am somewhat protective of those that might not be able to protect themselves. I would hope that my kids would have that same thought process. The child on the bus with CP should be treated as they would treat all their friends and also I would hope that they would be a little more protective of a child that might not have the ability to protect themselves. It does give me the opportunity to bring into the equation that some children may not have the ability that other kids have and they need to make it possible to make the playing field as equal as possible. Many kids are picked on because they don’t pose a threat to the bully. I want my children to recognize that and be sensitive to how they can make sure that does not happen.
That is another very good post you made and you made some of the points that actually prompted the question I asked.
You touched on some things in your reply that are on my mind quite frequently. As the father of a child who doesn’t speak, issues like the ones that James Jones was faced with the other day weigh especially heavy on my mind.
First point was that it is important for kids to meet people with disabilities at an early age and get to know them. In a case such as yours where this doesn’t need to take place outside of the family circle this isn’t an issue. It is for reasons like these that you and I both have the same perspective and thoughts about what James Jones did, and we have no problem relating to the thoughts that were going through his mind during the moments prior to his actions that day.
However, for people who do need to meet people with disabilities outside of their own family circles, it is a whole different perspective and results in the development of a different frame of mind than you and I have. So the question at some point becomes this: “How do we as a society ensure that all physically and mentally abled kids are exposed to disabled peers enough to make friends with one another, or to at least understand them, respect them, and show compassion toward them and the daily struggles they are faced with every single day?”
The main reason I found the question so complicated is because there is just so much involved within the answer to it. The fact is that unless you have first-hand experience with someone who is disabled then there is really no way to put the issues they face into perspective and compare them to the issues that you don’t face.
I had much more, but I didn’t want my reply to be too long.
I am a very peace-loving man. I teach bullying prevention and intervention assemblies in schools. I am also the father of two boys and two girls. Do I understan where this dad is coming from? Oh yes. Do NOT mess with a father’s daughters. If my boys ever did that to a girl I wouldn’t be making excuses for them. They know I’d be as upset with them as that girl’s father. Really, putting condoms on her head?!!!
As a father of a special needs child, I under this father’s anger and why he did what he did, but I don’t condone it. It makes my blood boil just thinking about how this isn’t the only incident of this – there have been others involving adults with special needs children. I am not sure how I would react…all you know is you’re protecting your child.
On that same note, I also have another daughter that’s her big sister and watches over her. No child should become the target of bullies…ever. It’s a said thing, but yes, as parents we need to instill the right values into our children so they don’t become bullies, stand up to the bullies or hope they are the ones helping others that can’t help themselves. Yes, I did get bullied when I was a child, but once I stood up to them, they stopped. I also tried to help others that couldn’t help themselves – that’s how I was raised.
My youngest daughter might be able to speak, stand, walk and other things, but she wants to do things herself and be treated as such. Children and others with disabilities don’t want sympathy, they want to treated the same and do things for themselves – no matter what people may think.
No matter what, again, no child should be bullied, but I hope this, along with other incidents, show our system does need some help – I know I would volunteer to help.
Maybe it’s not fair to put this filter on the Dad in question, but to me, the bus rant felt like the outburst of a man who just couldn’t take the fact his daughter was being picked on and the people who are meant to police this kind of thing weren’t doing what they should to stop the situation.
My guy is little. But I get the instinct. Hell yes, I do. There was this kid growling and barking at Jack at Barnes and Noble this weekend because he was playing at a Thomas the Tank Engine train table. I could feel a rising, “What the hell, kid” in my throat. But of course I didn’t say anything.
There were probably other ways to address the problem — finding out which little creeps were tormenting his daughter and going to talk to their parents — but I understand his impulse. Hopefully the parents of the little darlings who are such awful little jerks are stepping in now.
My son was bullied twice last summer. I found the parents of the kid who did it and insisted that they handle it.
They didn’t take care of it so I came back to them and promised that the consequences for not handling it would be severe.
Lo and behold, it was handled. One of the challenges here is trying to get the other parents to take it seriously.
In my situation the reason that I had to talk to the parents twice was because they didn’t take me seriously. They didn’t think that their child had done anything wrong.
It is critical for children to feel supported by their parents. They need to know that when things happen someone will be there to help.
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