So, my wife and I were having an amusing conversation today that sparked this post. I was telling her how I “friended” an old school chum (with whom I have no “history”) on Facebook and a few days later, her husband sent me a friend request. Out of respect, I accepted it, but I DON’T KNOW THE GUY. I’ve never even held a conversation with the lady I “friended.” It’s become more of a curiosity to find people you used to know in grade school and kind of see how they’re doing today. More of a novelty than anything. Heck, I’ve had old school chums, male and female alike, who’ve sent me friend requests and we’ve never exchanged one message, poke or wall post, thus strengthening the idea that in some regards Facebook has become what that site, Classmates probably wanted to be. It’s not only a place to keep up with family and current friends but a way to reconnect (even if only VERY superficially) with friends from days gone by.
Our conversation got me wondering what other people thought about that. If a guy your wife knew in grade school sends your wife a friend request, do you have to be his “friend” as well? Moms…how about you? I guess the deeper question for me is, “Why?” Why would you feel the need to send a friend request to a total stranger just because they sent your wife a friend request? I mean, there are the obvious reasons I guess. Fear of infidelity. Past transgressions forcing you to be cautious about present day “connections.” You know, the usual. But beyond that, why would you engage in this behavior? Don’t get me wrong, offline I see nothing wrong with a married couple being friends, or at least knowledgeable of each other’s friends, but is the online realm just an extension of that. Let’s have an honest dialogue here. I’d really like to know (below in the comments section of course).
Aaaand, go!
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I’ll friend mutual friends, but her high school/grade school friends are her own. I’m not inclined to friend them.
There’s a second wrinkle in our Facebook relationship. My wife also works part time as an instructor at a local karate dojo and they have a FB presence. She friends a lot of students. I won’t friend any of the students that are minors, and I don’t friend anyone from her work unless I know them personally.
Ok, your wife kicks @$$…literally! You get a big thumbs up from me on that one man. Which form of Karate does she teach? I’ve studied:Muay Thai, TKD, Hapkido and Kendo.
Yes, she does! 😉 She’s teaching kyokushin. She’s got the 6 yr old in the dojo now and he’s flourishing in it. The almost 2 yr old also loves nothing more than imitating Mama and her big brother when the practice. Couple of years and we’re going to be one really dangerous family. 😉 I’ll be the safest daddy on the block.
Unless I know them in real life, then no. My wife has twice the number of Facebook friends that I have. I don’t “watch” her wall or ask her who people are when I see that she has added new friends that I’ve never heard of. She had a life long before I came into the picture and I’m confident enough in our relationship that I don’t need to give her online friends much thought.
“She had a life long before I came into the picture and I’m confident enough in our relationship that I don’t need to give her online friends much thought.”
You sir! Yes you. My good fellow, I like the cut of your jib.
Do spouses really feel the need to keep tabs on their partner’s friend list? How do you even know they got a request? Are you checking their friends every day to see if anyone new shows up?
I have looked at my wife’s list a few times, but just to see if there are friends of mine that I’ve not connected with. I don’t even like ot read her home page if she’s still logged-in and I sit down at the computer.
I rarely friend people I don’t know in a substantial way, and I almost never friend people I only know through work. Gotta keep some illusion of privacy.
Ah yes, the privacy illusion. Sounds like the title of a Grisham novel. I can’t help but think that if your friends with your spouse, and their posts/friendings come up in your newsfeed that some dads/moms may glance at who that new “friend” is. Lol.
i created a page for an old DOD school in Spain that doesn’t exist any more (the base closed) – it’s been fantastic reconnecting with old friends – largely superficially, as you mentioned.
what was surprising to me were the multiple emails sent to me, privately, where spouses of these old friends would want to know why i’ve ‘invited’ their spouses to the new reunion site.
i think it says something that i only received emails from women (i’m a woman).
my husband doesn’t engage in social media, but if he did? i’m pretty certain that i would not “friend” any of his friends if i had absolutely no connection to them.
that said. because my husband DOESN”T engage in social media (namely no facebook page), I HAVE “friended” (when asked) his friends in which i have absolutely no connection – simply so they can, superficially, keep up with what we’re doing (i assume that’s what they’re doing – i hope they’re not selling pictures of my kid on the blackmarket).
That’s very interesting actually. I wouldn’t have seen that coming!
Thank you for engaging with us here Kim! Always great to have a lady’s perspective. Oh, and since I’m in the internet security/safety biz, I’ll keep an eye out for those pics and alert you to any malevolent use. 😛
First – I would have denied that friend request; I only accept friend requests from people I know (for whatever value of “know”).
Second – I view friendship and connections as private and individual. Yes, my wife and I have friends in common, and we may introduce friends to each other, but it’s by no means automatic. There’s 100s of people on my FB list that my don’t know (or know about).
Third – I learn about my wife’s friends when she make an introduction, or tell me about them. I don’t keep track of who she’s seeing or talking to.
Fourth – wouldn’t it be really boring if we shared everything, had the same friends, knew the same people? Mine, yours, ours – there’s a place for all three.
Well put Lars. We are one and we must still maintain our individuality. Don’t you just love paradoxes?
Thanks for your input!
This seems a bit odd to me. My wife and I have dated or been married for 15 years, but she still has friends that were before my time. I would never do what this guy did. Seems a bit creepy to me.
My husband doesn’t have time for social media sites- or so he says- but if he did have a fb page I definitely would NOT friend his friends- hell I don’t think I would even ‘friend’ him. Why would I have to? We live in the same house- converse on a daily basis- and know how to pick up a phone when needed- whether it be to text or talk. Besides, he would never update his page and that would drive me crazy!
Funny thing is- I had a woman message me saying she was one of my husbands best friends in HS and that he held a very special place in her heart- she also sent me a friend request w/ this message- when I asked him about it he told me to ignore it- which I did. I don’t think the feelings were mutual. *I checked out her profile and well, I’m not worried ;)*
I believe my friends are my friends – my husbands friends are his friends (nerdy geeky guys from work or college football fanatics lol)- we also have mutual friends…. this would apply to fb also if applicable.
Hi Wendy,
I get what you’re saying. My wife and I are “friends” on Facebook. In fact, we’re “married” on Facebook as well! I don’t visit her page often but one thing that’s cool is when she posts pics of the kids she tags me and vice versa. This way, we both don’t have to post the same pic on each of our pages. For that alone it’s nice to be connected that way. Every once in awhile I’ll drop her a note on her wall telling her I love her.
I get what you’re saying though and agree that overall her friends are her friends and mine are mine.
Hi Josh- I hope I didn’t come across as crass- I don’t think it’s a ‘bad’ thing to have your spouse as a friend- It’s just not for me. Guess it helps that my husband doesn’t have a FB page so I’ve really never been faced with the dilema. I don’t think he would want me as his fb friend anyway- I would send him farmville and petville requests constantly- just to annoy him LOL
I think maybe a couple of my friends soured my thoughts on spousal friending- they would leave lovey dovey messages on each others walls- which basically sickened the rest of us.
Hi Wendi! Oh no you didn’t come across as crass at all! We all have our things and that’s what makes sharing in this way so special! I totally get what you’re saying and agree about the mushy mushy stuff. I’m like, “Get a room people”!! LOL! J/K Thanks so much for hanging out! We may be called DadsTalking but we love talking to Mom’s just as much as other Dads!!
I once friended an old female classmate of mine on Facebook. Shortly after her husband sent me a friend request. To be honest I thought I might have known him just because I would have been surprised otherwise, a complete stranger would try and friend me. However, I later found out that he’s also a public official. I’m confident he friended me not to snoop on his wife to build up his campaign.
Facebook is a pretty personal site, much different than Twitter. To friend your spouses friends when you have no idea who they are is weird. That’s right, I said it…WEIRD. Unless, like I said there’s some other reason like a political agenda or maybe they’re just really friendly but for the most part, weird.
I find myself using the word, “weird” a lot in this comment. Maybe I’m just weird?
No, we have a yours, mine, and ours. Neither of us is at all concerned about the other’s friends. She has friends, I have friends, and then we have mutual friends – this allows us to do things in our own spheres and enrich ourselves without needing our other half to be present. It would get pretty boring fairly quickly if it was all us all the time. This way we have plenty of things to talk about, things to do on our own (so we can each have our “space” – why force her to go do something she hates, and vice versa? She doesn’t want to go sailing or tailgating, and neither do I want to go shopping or to the bookstore), and yet still have time and energy to contribute to our relationship by allowing us to keep our individual batteries charged up.
It’s the same online as it is off – we don’t worry about it, and we don’t put ourselves in situations to where the other person would have doubts about the situation.
Prior to being involved with my wife, I had a couple of relationships with the jealous, low self esteem, insecure types, and those always led to unnecessary drama, much like some of the other commenters above are explaining as happening to them with spouses of people they’ve recently friended. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable for all parties, and usually what happens is the two primary friends disengage from the friendship because of the added drama of the third person (like the friend’s spouse). Unfortunately, there are also those people who simply can’t mind their own business, and like to cause trouble – whether it is the friend themselves or their spouse. Again, the best thing to do is to disengage from them & ignore them completely.
Anyways, to wrap this up – As it is in person, if you aren’t friends with them then butt out, and if they are trying to butt in, then simply ignore them. You don’t need or want that drama in your life.
Focus on the positive and Surround yourself with positive people.
My husband and I do. But only when it comes to the opposite sex, and only when its like a random person that he or I don’t know. (I pretty much add anyone lol) But I look at it like this, If some random man wants to be my friend he can be friends with my husband also. If not, oh well. Deleted!
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You did ask for an “honest” dialogue right? I read through at least 10 post and not one person seemed to get to the meat of the issue. What that husband did made complete sense to me. The same considerations you’ve come to expect in face to face interactions should be honored virtually. Connections made online are still connections, nonetheless. All it takes is one connection with the wrong person to ruin a relationship. It may not be the 30 friend requests from old classmates that a person should be worried about…it could be a single friend request from someone at work that’s obscured by the other requests. There’s no way to know what’s really happening behind the screen. But there’s certainly a lot more opportunities and a lot more ways to share intimate things with people than there used to be. Spouses can literally be physically rubbing shoulders with one another at the same time engaged in all manner of interplay with someone in another state or country. People don’t like to talk about that, but I think it’s relevant given the superficial nature of our culture and social media environment. I think part of trusting your partner is knowing them first and continuing to get to know them. Sometimes a part of that process is asking, “Who was that and what do they mean to you?” If that same person came to your house and asked to speak to your spouse you would want to know about them. Why would the classmate who could conceivably have access to a bedroom or bathroom (via FaceTime) be any different? Why do they get a free pass because they came electronically? Some people choose to see all the access random strangers have as harmless…I see it as wrought with countless pitfalls and potential for calamity.
David I agree with your response. I think it is a redflag when your partners friend wouldn’t accept you. Honestly if a person truly wants to be friends with someone why would they not want to accept the spouse as well. People should put their marriage first and protect it at all costs.
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Even I feel why would ur spouse like to hide or not tell u anything about ur friends. Isn’t marriage about sharing everything . And that ur partner should be ur first priority above everyone else be it ur friends or schoolmates or colleague . And if someone is not doing anything wrong , I find no reason to hide it from anyone as a matter of fact leave aside ur spouse.
I called my husbands female schoolmates at my place and one lady came earlier then others so she could spend time with us as her husband was to join late coming from somewhere else. When other school mates came she told she reach just 15 mins back. I could not understand the reason to do so. And my husband also agreed with her that she did a right thing.
I don’t understand if u r not doing anything wrong why hide and if u r hiding something is fishy.
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