Photo Credit: Steve Gatto
You know you’re a dad if: At the thought of your daughter dating, visions of gun cleanings while interviewing nervous, pubescent, would-be suitors fills your head. No doubt, the impulse to protect is a powerful one with most fathers. Just listen to the lyrics of one of the most popular songs with the young women these days, by an artist who goes by the pseudonym of Bruno Mars, “I’d Catch A Grenade For Ya” and it’s obvious that the concept of bearing the burden for the “tough stuff” is just a part of the job description for men, but what happens when that protection and those tough things are those you are unable to protect your children from… both sons and daughters? What’s a dad to do?
For me, it came a couple weeks ago, during the morning ride to school. “It” being that one moment that many blacks will unfortunately experience at some point in their lives. “Dad, me and ***** like each other and so ***** told his/her parents that he/she liked me and they told him/her that this was not allowed… because I’m black.” It hit me hard. I wasn’t prepared for this. I’m just getting used to the fact that my child is developing a genuine interest in the opposite sex and recently asked about dating, but this, dealing with prejudice in the process? I was floored. Internally.
I’m generally one of the most level-headed people in my circles so hiding the bubbling volcano of emotion inside was no problem. I tried to ease the burden of this revelation for my child by dismissing the notion that this was nothing but raw, ugly ignorance in the form of prejudice by saying, “You know what? ***** parents are old world and maybe it’s a cultural thing? Maybe they just want ***** to be with a person of their own culture?” To which my child replied, “No, **** told me they’d be ok with him/her dating another white person.” Damn! Ok, let’s go with what’s behind door #2. I immediately moved into comforting mode, asking my child how he/she felt about this and then proceeded to tell him/her of my experiences dating a few asian girls when I was younger and how I rarely got to meet the parents. I wanted my child to know, that I know how it feels and I can empathize. I’ve been there. The truth is that though I shared this information, I know there’s nothing I can really do to soften this blow. My child is old enough now to understand, analytically, that there is ignorance in the world and it has absolutely nothing to do with them but that’s “head knowledge.” That’s what you say to yourself in an attempt to ease the pain, but it’s the heart that takes a beating. I knew this hurt and there was little I could do to ease the pain. This is one of those things we have to go through so that we’ll know, going into adulthood, that prejudice is real and alive and no matter how big a celebrity or how much of an average Jamaal we are, we will be subjected to it at some point, as unfortunate as that realization may be.
As my child went to exit the car, I made one last attempt to comfort and received an uneasy smile as if saying, “Thanks dad for trying, but this is one boo boo you can’t make better.” As I drove back to the house, I dissected the conversation and realized that I’m glad this happened now, and not when my little one was younger or much older. I came to this conclusion because I know that the maturity level is great enough to be able to process this, with a little guidance of course, then there’s the necessary evil of the mandatory hard lesson that people are going to dislike you because: the color of your skin, your shoes, your name, your hairstyle, your car, your neighborhood… and the list goes on. Regardless of ethnicity or phenotype, this is something we all need to learn young because the world can be a harsh place and no matter how much a dad like me would love to be able to protect my children from all of the evils of the world, I can’t. And they need to know that and grow a little thicker skin so that the ignorance in this world won’t be able to stop them in their tracks as they pursue their own purpose and path in life. For me that day, I was reminded just how important it is to be a protector, but more importantly, how important it is that our children experience some battles of their own while they’re still at home. It is in those times that the protection of a dad seems more passive than active, but it is in that passive posture that our children will learn how to process and fight their own battles while still feeling we’re there to catch and/or comfort them should it be a battle they’re not fully ready or able to fight. And that’s when we move to an active posture, ideally giving them healthy tools to help fight the next battle victoriously or find the object lesson in defeat.
In this way, the protection a dad provides is fully realized because protection isn’t just a physical thing. It’s the capacity to protect the minds, hearts and health of those who call you daddy. And husband.
Disclaimer: I kept this post as gender neutral as possible out of respect for my child and their “friend.” That too is for their protection. 🙂
I was truly moved by your post. As a mother I would absolutely do anything to protect my child. The world is a crazy place and our kids encounter situations like this everyday and need our help and guidance to understand, empathize, and grow up with a value and belief system to help them cope with the everyday challenges life throws at us.
It is sad to think that there is still predjudice living among us and grown adults are pushing it off to their children. I am raising my son to look at others for who they are; not the color of their skin, ot the clothes they wear. Leading by example and being their to soften the blow in situations like these will hopefully help our children as they venture out on their own and are faced with these tough situations.
Thank you Suzanne. We appreciate you connecting with us here and I appreciate your sentiments even more!
Tshaka,
Yes, your child is going to have to deal with prejudice and I hate it. For your child and all of us. Thanks for being the dad that calls it what it is, puts it in the perspective of the pain that it causes no matter what we or your child knows, and thanks for knowing that part of what you have to do as a dad is prepare your child for things you cannot fix or take away.
Thanks for being a strong father for your kid, and the rest of us.
It takes a village… thank you for helping lead the strong father charge my friend!
Thanks for sharing this and your personal insight/perspective. It’s so unfortunate this continues to happen.
No problem. Helps me vent and deal with it in some way.
Thanks for sharing. It sucks that people can be so ignorant.
Let me just say that the post was great. I can relate. I have a 5 yr old daughter and already have that gun of choice.
Tshaka,
I think it is good of you to engage your daughter about these things. I think it is absolutely wonderful that you even discuss personal matters. My parents spent my adolescence and even now, in my early adulthood, in complete ignorance about my life. Not because I was/am rebellious by any means but simply because they were disinterested and we did not have that kind of bond. But I digress, I would advise your daughter that although interracial relationships are a minefield of ignorance, missteps, cultural clashes and misunderstandings they can also be wonderful and enlightening. I think it is important for your daughter to realize that she should not feel sorry for being who she is. She should want, no demand, better of a potential suitor. I have seen all to often, especially among people of color, the relaxation of standards or acceptance of bad behavior from a significant other of a different race or his/her family. Behavior they would not and should not accept from a person of their own ethnic or racial group.
I have innately experienced issues like your daughter. I have liked boys who I knew liked me back but did not want to deal with the possible difficulties or repercussions of an interracial relationship. I am a black woman, unapologetically so, and I demand that my significant other recognize, accept and love me BECAUSE of who I am rather than despite it. Right now I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. I met his parents very early on in our relationship (1-2 weeks) with great trepidation although they knew about his feelings for me before I did. I feared that they would look down on me or disapprove of my race. Although I knew in my heart to demand better, living it is hard. As it turned out I had little to worry about. I adore his parents and the feeling is mutual. Both my sweetheart and his family are very educated about Nigeria (my homeland) and I talk to my boyfriend about any issues I have be they social or racial. He cannot be neutral about racial issues and profess to love me. If something hurts me it hurts him whether it is a gender, race or social issue. That is the way it should be.
Commiserate with your daughter, comfort her but also teach her these lessons that will prove to be essential as she matures.
All the best.
And thank you for engaging us here Victoria! I really appreciate your kind words and your wisdom. Thank you for your own personal experience and I hope nothing but the best for you and your guy. 🙂