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Just wanted to put this thought out there and share a little personal experience. Ok with you? Cool. Recently, I made an assumption about mine and my daughter’s relationship. I thought I’d clear up that assumption by actually asking her directly. Just to inform you on our relationship, I lucked up. My daughter is actually quite honest with me and my wife. She really says what’s on her mind…respectfully. My wife has always worked to make it “okay” for all of our children to express themselves when they’ve disagreed with us, so long as it is done respectfully. So, I asked my daughter recently, “Do you feel like you’ve had to go ask your friends about serious things like sex and drugs or, you know other stuff, because you feel like I’ve been holding back and not telling you the whole truth?” Her reply, “At first. I mean, mom would tell me more and I really felt like I couldn’t talk to you. But I do now. I feel like you’re telling me everything now.”
I started out as a VERY over protective father. In addition, given the way I was raised, voicing one’s opinion was not always a valued method of communication and so with my children it went. That was early on. When they were younger, I felt like, “I’m the dad. I know what’s best for them. I set the rules, and they follow.” But is having our children simply follow the rules, the best our relationships with them get? Is that the most we should expect out of our exchange with these awesome little humans? It took me a while to figure it out with the help of my faith and my wife but I realized that I could be a bulldog and protect and shield my kids from all the crap in the world but that ultimately ends up producing the opposite effect. They end up losing their darn minds once they get out of the house because they’d been so oppressed/repressed in the home.
For me, it began around the end of my daughter’s sixth grade year that I would start telling her things and having conversations with her that would make me uncomfortable…in a good way. She started blossoming young and so I had to tell her before she started Junior High that she was going to be popular, but not in the way she thought. I began telling her things about the way boys were going to come at her and how they’d attempt to treat her and I did it in rather frank terms, not sugar coating or sanitizing the discussion. I told her about how boys would try to “cop a feel” by hugging her under her arms with their arms closer to around her waist in an attempt to get that hug/dry hump. I told her all the horny teen boy tricks of the trade and I gave it to her with both barrels. And it has worked. So far.
How do I know it has worked so far? Questions. It’s by the questions she still comes and asks me. Questions that would make many blush, but if I want to raise a healthy, savvy, self-aware young lady, I’ve got to answer them. If I don’t answer them then, Cosmopolitan, People, friends, etc. will answer those questions and God help me if I let those influences inform her worldview. I mean, to be quite honest, this current culture our children find themselves in SUCKS. Big time. Children give oral sex like it’s a handshake these days. Google “rainbow party” if you don’t believe me. So, what did I do…I used the awesome power of the internet and pulled up a medical website and showed my daughter what herpes looks like. Genital and oral herpes outbreaks, I showed her pictures of both. In all their gory detail. I did that when she was 13. Now before you get the idea that my daughter was “fast,” I didn’t do all of this because she was giving us signs that she had “jezebel-like’ tendencies. To this day, at 14, she hasn’t had a real boyfriend. She’s an honor roll student whose won the Silver Presidential award for her academics, but she’s darn cute. She’s had people ask about modeling since she was a baby and now at 14 with those same looks and DD’s it was imperative that I have these very real discussions with her because I know the wolves have been sniffing around the flock looking for a meal.
So, let me pass on a little advice. If, when your daughter is born, you look at her and think, “I will protect her from every evil on this planet and keep her a virgin until she’s 45,” be careful. Being over-protective may have the opposite effect that your protecting her is supposed to achieve. You actually want to raise a daughter who can discern the good guys from the idiots and in order for her to be able to do that you’re going to have to allow her measured doses of some pretty real stuff. An inoculation, if you will, against BS. And trust me, I talk to children about internet safety and there are far too many girls giving boys nude pictures of themselves because they feel like they have to do that to “seal the deal” and get a boy in this digital age to like them. When you’re honest and open with your princess, you’ll actually help instill a greater sense of confidence and help build her up against the same crap you wanted to keep her from anyway.
Maybe I’m crazy though. Maybe you think I’m crazy? You can tell me in the comments. I promise I won’t cry and if enough of you say I’m wrong, I’ll share that with her too….one day.
I admit I’m guilty of the over-protective approach but I’ve been trying to open up more. I like the strategy you’ve mapped out here to do that.
Question: with 12 year old girl / boy twins I’ve been thinking of having a group discussion with open questions and conversation. The follow up with a one on one with each. Is this a good plan or should the entire thing be handled one on one?
With a girl, I’d say that you address the boys and girls separately. Girls and boys are going to deal with some things they may not feel comfortable discussing in front of their siblings. ie, boy/girl “issues.”
I am not convinced that rainbow parties are so prevalent. I have yet to meet anyone who could verify that one had taken place with anyone they knew.
But it doesn’t hurt to act as if they are real and to be proactive in trying to raise our children so that they don’t participate in things that are harmful or dangerous.
No, not prevalent…thank God! 🙂
But, the casual nature with which our youth are engaging in sexual activities is definitely a reality. All one need do to see that is look at the stats for STDs, unfortunately.
Thanks Jack for engaging here with us!
My parents, including my father made it very easy for me to talk to them about anything. There was a mutual respect between us. I was a very good girl growing up. I respected my curfew… did well in school. That’s not to say I didn’t ever break the rules… but if I did… my father always took the time to hear me out. I hope to raise my girls in the same loving way. I want to set healthy boundaries… not put them in cages.
Your dad sounds like a pretty cool guy. Explains a lot! 😉
Goodness! Thanks! I think the cool factor rose a notch when I met you guys! *high five*
I tried to talk to my dad about a guy i liked and he got all mad at me. What should i do?
So sorry this didn’t get to me sooner Sam! That’s a tough question because I don’t know you or your dad’s relationship dynamic or anything about they guy you liked.
What I can say is that being up front and honest is generally the best policy. In a healthy relationship, dads just want to protect you from guys they perceive as being the wrong guy for you. Someone who may hurt you, or break your heart maliciously.
Thanks for the tips! After i told my dad that i liked a guy he got all mad at me. He didnt talk to me for about a week. I tried talking to him but he didnt want to hear it. I told him about the guy i likes personality ( which i really good. Straight A’s, Athletic, Polite ) , but he still didnt even want to meet him.
I thought this was a well thought-out, introspective and insightful article. The only advice I could possibly think to give – from the point of view of a young woman who was raised in much the same way – is to be careful not to induce a feeling of fear or suspicion when it comes to boys/sex.
I have almost always been thought of as “conventionally good-looking girl”. I don’t say that to brag in any way because I don’t think good looks are much to brag about. Anyone can be dealt good looks in life. My parents were wonderful and kept me very grounded. But possibly because I was the only girl, for 7 years, between two brothers, my parents were particularly concerned about raising children in this extremely sexualized environment.
For the most part, things have worked out well. I have never felt inferior to my brothers, or men, in my life. I have two law degrees, and am currently studying to be licensed in a third jurisdiction. I was very active growing up – I figure skated, played the piano, was very into acting/theater, learned to sail, and was generally allowed to pursue whatever I wanted. I had always wanted to be a lawyer, and that was always wholeheartedly supported. I’m quite small, and have long blonde hair, and so I ran into a lot of “Legally Blonde” jokes along the way – and it didn’t help that I had a pink laptop (I think the first person to ever have done in the law school lol).
The only hesitation I have with being so “anty” sex, is that it can internalize, and permanently change the way a girl thinks. With good intentions, I’m sure, my mother AND father were very direct about boys/sex. I knew getting pregnant as a teen would be the WORST situation I could ever get into. I was constantly warned about boys – what was on their minds – what they REALLY wanted – and all the tricks they will use to get it. I was told all about STD’s (in horrifying detail – my father is a surgeon and my mother an RN), and it was always implied/expected that I would end up with a nice, respectful, educated, intelligent young man, from the same sort of family/background I was from.
I think all of that took things a bit too far in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, it made me incredibly wary of men. A boy could hardly talk to me without warnings flashing through my mind: HE JUST WANTS SEX, HE’S JUST TRYING TO GET YOU INTO BED, etc, etc. It really gave me a deep mistrust of men. To this day, it’s something I really struggle with. On the one hand, it worked – I was extremely selective in losing my virginity, and have extremely high standards regarding who I allow myself to get involved with. I think sometimes it causes me to shut down a connection before it can possibly start – because in my head, I had been trained to think that boys were “up to no good” and were just trying to manipulate you. Nothing was sincere. Nothing was genuine.
That has been very damaging to me, and the way I view relationships in life. It’s partly good, because I would never allow a male to mistreat me, and I will never be financially dependent on a man. I will always have my own career/life/friends. However, I do wish that my parents hadn’t been QUITE as persistent on this point. Then maybe I would be able to look at guys as regular people, with feelings and emotions and hearts – and not just demons on the loose trying to steal the virtue of young girls, lol.
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I think that any father will always have his daughters best interests at heart, in the western world anyway. Both parents have more duty of care than anyone involved in their lives.I came to seek answers, i think i‘ve been on the right track all along.
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Fathers don’t want to be overprotective. They want their children to be happy. They were being controlled by the devil and he made them overprotective but it was just him doing those things not the father and the devil would fill their heads with lies about what will happen to their children.
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